All the looks....

10/04

As a man, we’re taught to “go get the money”. I’m here to tell you, you can have the money, just give me more time. I miss my daughter the very second I get out the door. I hate leaving to go to work, I hate getting facetimes instead of seeing her in real time. I hate hearing about the new noises she’s making, I even hate that I don’t get to change her HEAVILY ODORED diaper as much as her mom does. What I hate most though, thinking that she doesn’t know the role I play in her life. She cries before bedtime (about 30 minutes after I get home) and I try to soothe her; this just ends up with me giving her to her mom. Mom is there, mom talks to her all day, mom plays with her toes, and pinches her cheeks. Mom does exactly what you would expect from a mom. What should she expect from dad? Two out of the seven days? Midnight feedings, and early morning goodbye kisses? That’s not enough for me.

There’s no doubt that I’m a provider. But, I want to provide for her emotionally too. I want provide her with as much laughter as mommy, I want to sing to her in the tub as much as mommy, but most of all, I want to be able to soothe her the way that mommy does. Is that too much to ask? There’s things that I accept as my role as father; disciplinarian, mechanic, tea party and dress up partner, painter, weird story dad, and a lot more. I’m okay with all of those, but that’s down the line. RIGHT NOW I want her to look in my eyes and smile the same way I see her smile when her mom sings little bunny fufu and makes a trail on her new outtie bellybutton. I know I can’t have it all, but I just want her to know that papa wants to be there as much as mommy because papa and mommy love you equally.

As a new dad, I don’t know if I should care about spending so much time with her, but I do. I never claimed to be the traditional man in any capacity. My mom says I’m too sensitive; she’s probably right. I hope Parker sees me as a caring father and not some macho, can’t come to me with her problems dad. That’s not who I’m preparing myself to be. So, with that being said, I want her smile when I talk to her, I want her to “talk back” when I talk to her, but most of all, I want her to feel safe when I hold her at night. That makes me feel like I’m her provider.

Whitney is an amazing mother. There is nothing she can do wrong in my, or Parker’s eyes, but I promised to give you guys the truth from the perspective of a new dad. Truthfully, not being there to watch her SUCKS!