I've Got It Made....
My daughter and I played in the front yard over the weekend, and it felt like I was in one of those cheesy lifetime movies. I laid on the ground as she crawled over me, I lifted her in the air and made airplane noises. I watched her show her three little teeth with excitement, and then she tried eating one of those little gumballs from the trees! Honestly, what more can you ask for? A healthy child, a loving environment, and the satisfaction of knowing that you’re raising your kid right….right? How can moments of doubt creep in and make you feel like you’re not doing enough? DAMN you societal standards.
The house we have is perfect for us. The cars we drive are nicer than any car I had growing up, and let us not talk about the SUPER SWEET stroller Parker gets to make regular moves around the subdivision in. That’s right, she a subdivision kid; cul de sac to be specific. This kid has it made in the shade. But, the doubt is still there. Should she be outside for so long, is she okay eating this, is the music too loud, should she be listening to this, are we shielding her too much. I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. I’m not even sure I remember what I wanted to talk about with this entry. I just know I’m looking at a picture on the fridge (we’re those parents) of lightning bolts that she “drew” at….School (it’s daycare, but Whitney likes to make it feel fancy) and in the words of Krista I feel proud “AF”. None of this was supposed to be my life. I imagined falling into every stereotype known to man when it came to fatherhood. I don’t want anyone to take it the wrong way, I’m just talking about me and MY SITUATION. The most I saw for myself was having a kid OUTSIDE of wedlock, living paycheck to paycheck, being a sometimes father, and dealing with the standard “baby mamma drama” an apartment that was cheap, but I could still barely afford, a car that was always on empty, etc…. That’s what I thought my life would be, and I was willing to accept that. But look at my life now. First generation homeowner, beautiful wife, beautiful daughter, great job, quality cars, and a ton of other blessings I feel undeserving for on a regular basis. That all goes back to the lifetime movie reference from the beginning of this “blog”. What type of doubt can creep in and cast a cloud over that picturesque scene I described? How about the fear of losing all of that?
As a father, we do whatever it takes to make sure home is taken care of. I would feel 100% confident in saying the fear of failing at that keeps us men up at night. But you know what? I’m done being afraid of what “could’ happen. My life is in the now, my daughter is happy when daddy comes home, she darts out of mommy’s arms to meet me at the baby gate and sticks her little arm through. She licks the plastic cover at the stairs and I do the same. DAMN, I’ve got it made. I’m going to continue to be proud of being a PRESENT father, a LOVING husband, and FAITHFUL servant to God. You saw where I thought my life was taking me right? How could I not smile every morning? How can I not forgive those who have done me wrong? I’m not who I use to be, and I can’t hold others to who they once were either. This blog is meant to share the experience of fatherhood, but it honestly is bigger than that. This helps me figure out how to become a better man so that I can continue learning how to be a great father. It’s okay to express your vulnerabilities as a man. I’ve gone through several emotional stages since “lil booty” came into my life. That’s what should happen. My choices aren’t just mine anymore and I realize that more and more each day.
It began with a scene from a movie, and it ends with that same scene. She’ll never know pain as long as I can shield her from it, but she will always know that mommy and daddy are here to protect her. Now get out there and enjoy time with those little ones. If they’re too big to make airplane sounds with, make fart noises instead, the laughter will be the same in the end!