Papa you want to hold her? No, I'm okay...


I know, I know everyone should want to hold their newborn every chance they get. It's a life you created (well 50%). You should be excited to hold this little 5,6,7,8,9 and in some cases 10 pound bundles of joy. HOWEVER, (insert voice of Franklin, from the HIT TV show "My Wife and Kids")  when it comes to me, I have a bit of an anxiety about holding babies. Add that with the fact that you constantly have people coming over and watching your every move, OR offering unsolicited advice (that doesn't bother me), I just let my wife do the bulk of the holding. 

Now, that's not to say I don't hold her. That was all background info on what I'm about to say. I'm a creature of the night. I would often find myself waking up in the middle of the night, and going for a drive through the city just because it calmed me. Not like a hour drive or anything, but like a 15 minute drive here and there. That's always been how I operated. So, when it comes to bonding with Parker, I've come to notice that part of me hasn't changed either. Whitney gets tired around 9pm and that Parker and I's time to shine. I take her, sit in her nursery, music on low, and just rock her back and forth in her glider. 

Sometimes she's up, other times she's sleep and just enjoys the motion. But for me, that's when I feel at peace with everything. I look down, and sing to her ever so gently. No one around, no eyes, no questions, just me and my mini. I can tell her all my hopes for her as she gets older or I can just thank her for being an inspiration; one she isn't even aware of yet. I can sit there for hours. Nothing but us and a night light, shining on her chandelier. I wonder how other men feel at that moment? What questions go through their mind? Are they scared of raising a girl? Does the sex matter at this point? Are they stressed about what's to come? I don't feel any of that. I don't feel pressure to be someone I'm not capable of becoming. I don't want for anything in the world during this special moment. All I care about is rocking, rubbing, looking, smelling, and connecting with her. The love I have for her mother is the EXACT same love I feel for Parker. It's unselfish, unwavering, and unhampered love. 

During the day I feel like that's her and mommy time. The feeding, the pooping, the bouncing her and putting her in the swing; all that is credited to her mom. The guest wanting to see her and say how gorgeous she is (I'm okay with that). I love WATCHING that during the day. I get to see instantly how she affects those she comes in contact with. I see their minds turning (Is that what baby fever is?) But, the nights are mine. Just me and her. My love, my muse. She thinks she's keeping me up. She doesn't know Papa is use to long nights, little sleep, and memories for years to come! Parker 1 - Papa 1.